Unconditional Parenting
Alfie Kohn wrote Unconditional Parenting in 2005. His question was, “Do we want only well-behaved children or caring, creative, curious children?” Do children have to earn love or do we love them unconditionally? Do we have to show children that we have the power when we are raising them, or can we let power go?
How can we parent with the best interests of the child in mind? And I would say how can we teach that way too? Kohn says that we can show love by limiting criticisms, give children many chances to make decisions and imagine how things look from the child’s point of view. It takes longer to respect children’s ideas and how they are thinking, but it helps our relationship with them. For instance, instead of saying “Good drawing!” about a piece of artwork, you can describe what you see, “Hey, the child you drew has curly hair. I haven’t seen that before.” Instead of saying, “Good sharing,” you can say, “What made you want to share your cookie with your sister when you didn’t have to?” These offer acknowledgement, encouragement, and attention, which is what children need, but they also offer a deeper way of building a relationship with a child.
Kohn also encourages parents and teachers to offer as many choices as possible to children so they will learn to think and problem solve, and also so we can learn the child’s perspective.
In the Appendix of this book Kohn also provides a look at various parenting styles based on culture, class and race. The book encourages parents and teachers to use their power to develop children in our care and in our classrooms into caring, thoughtful citizens.
This article is part of our Summer 2023 Newsletter. See all articles.
