Dear Olive Branch
Topic: Civility
Introduction
Your Olive Branch editors delved into the complex questions about civility by seeking a better understanding of the meaning. We found the following definition:
“The principle of civility in organizing engagement and equity work refers to social interaction in which participants maintain respect for one another and demonstrate respectful behavior toward one another even when they disagree.”
Since we members of EPCC and PEACE work together to engage in equity work, this definition fits well for us. It answers the “why behave with civility” as we value “engagement and equity work.” Now, the questions we can focus upon relate to “how” to engage in our work with civility.
Therefore, we determined that “Civility is treating others with kindness and respect.” By simplifying the definition, it becomes easier to strategize around a complex topic.
Pondering upon these definitions… as well as our concerns about creating civil environments, we realized that the foundation aspect of civil society has been assumed, but not addressed. Safety and trust are essential to a well-functioning community and society. Without safety, there cannot be trust and the freedom to grow and prosper that we all deserve. And, without respect there cannot be safety. Safety is both physical and emotional; safety and respect are linked together. As teachers, parents and community members, in a free, democratic society, it is our responsibility to create safe and respectful environments.
The following stories support our work in using strategies of safety and respect to build civility into our communities.
Agreements
One effective way to create safe environments with others is to jointly establish “agreements” as to how you want to maintain safety and respect as you work, live and play together in community. The foundation pieces are safety and respect, but the specific behaviors desired can be defined by the people in the community. Even young children can, with adult support in small groups, create their own “agreements” for behavior. It may be useful to discuss with children how we want to be together to create a safe and respectful community or family, and to frame the behaviors using the following chart.
This chart is a sample of one created by children at Peace Camp. On the first day of Camp, they developed their “Agreements” for being together all week. [S. Hopkins]
Hands are Not for Hitting
One of my student teachers was hired mid-year at a center. The previous teacher had left in a huff, and the class was in disarray. My student teacher walked in and the children were literally pummeling each other to get their own way. There was no concern for the other children by the children. My student teacher and I sat down and had a heart-to-heart discussion. There were more than 100 acts of aggression in an hour during free choice time. The teacher was spending all her time putting out fires. Together, we decided that the best pathway was to teach civility, by reading the book, Hands Are Not For Hitting by Martine Agassi, with the children. We taught them how to use American Sign Language to say, “Please, Stop!” We encouraged them to use the phrase when they wanted the other child to stop hitting them, or taking the toy that they were currently using. I had my student teacher take baseline data, to document the progress.
The student teacher read the designated book, and then she had the children practice signing “Please, Stop!” She carefully supervised the free choice time, and stopped the children mid-assault, and had them use the signs with each other. Gradually, the children began to use the signs as needed, and the classroom gradually calmed down. It took about ten weeks, but she got the children to start being much gentler with each other, and only had three total acts of aggression for an entire day. In addition to working with the children she had the family service worker talk to the families about what was happening with the children in the classroom. The family service worker was amazing as well and discovered that the one child who had assaulted another child on that last day, had a mother who was being abused, and the child was the witness. [D. Satterlee]
Remain Civil when Encountering Incivility
Once upon a time, I was teaching in a small rural community. The parents of the children all knew each other. They were all neighbors. One of the parents, I will call her Jane, was causing a problem. Jane had a habit of calling the others on the phone and very loudly venting about whatever was on her mind. The others told me she was so loud that they would hold the phone at arm’s length away from themselves, and people clear across the room had no problem hearing what she was screaming. The calls often came at dinner time. Frustrated – a group of parents came to me with a request that I talk with Jane. They had already tried asking her to: 1. Use a lower voice, and 2. Use civil language. Jane had not been responsive to their requests.
My supervisor and I planned out some questions for Jane that might give some insight into the problem and lead to a solution. If no solution was forthcoming, I was to gently suggest counseling. I set up an appointment with Jane and tried to understand her behavior. I was not successful in gaining insight. I mentioned that she might consider talking with a professional. I managed to make an enemy with that suggestion. She told me she wasn’t crazy and left in a huff, slamming the door on her way out. The other parents reported that Jane angrily said she would run me over with her big red pickup if she had a chance.
Jane left her child in the program, with me as his teacher. She interacted with me when necessary, nothing more. After a bit, she called the other parents less often. I think about this experience as a partial win for civility. The other parents and I all stayed civil, and Jane’s behavior became a tiny bit more civil.
With hindsight, it would have been helpful to have a counselor at the session with Jane. Another helpful idea would have been having a counselor come talk with all the parents and work on group agreements. [M. Shelton]
NOTE: We chose “Dear Olive Branch” as the title for this column for several reasons – foremost as a sign of peace. Also olives come in many colors, sizes, tastes, uses – a sign of diversity just as there are many types of questions and those who send the questions. We hope “Olive’s” responses will help you, the reader – if you have a question for Olive send it to our email address. When Olive isn’t available to answer questions, members of EPCC and/or P.E.A.C.E. will step up to help.
Olive’s Future Columns
We are looking for your questions and/or short stories to be considered for inclusion in the future. Word range: 150-300 words.
This article is part of our Newsletter 2024 Issue 3. See all articles.
