Families Helping Children to Solve Problems
I was recently asked to present a workshop for parents of a small local preschool. The families particularly wanted information about what to do when siblings are having a dispute. Here are a few points we talked about.
Who’s problem is it? As long as children are physically safe, it’s really a good idea to observe without interfering. This allows the children to figure out a solution on their own and it takes the adult out of the judge and jury role.
I know you may be thinking “but they are asking me to be the decider.” Each thinks the other“is not being fair.” You don’t have to accept that role. You can let them know that you have every confidence that they can work it out. With that said, it is your responsibility to spend time teaching them about negotiation and problem solving. That happens first by modeling how you deal with issues as they come up for yourself, with your partner, and/or with the family. They are watching you and will learn your patterns.
No matter how old children are and what their particular developmental level is, you can find ways to teach basic problem solving. If children are younger, you may have to talk them through the process until they are capable of doing it on their own. You still remain neutral, you are only the facilitator. The problem solving cycle EPCC recommends is as follows:
Calm everyone down so they can think straight
Each person takes a turn telling the story from their perspective. The other(s) job is to listen until their turn. Everyone gets a turn. You may use a physical object to hold which can remind everyone of whose turn it is to talk. Items that have worked well in many situations are: talking sticks, talking table, stones, and especially for younger children - a stuffed animal.
As a facilitator, you can restate what you heard as the problem and ask if you got it right. Once everyone agrees on what the problem is, and it could be different for each participant, you are ready to figure out a solution. (Often with younger children, they just want to be heard. That is their problem. Once that happens they may be satisfied, so be aware that is possible and you don’t have to go on).
Now that you know the problem, it’s time to “Brainstorm” the solution. Everything is fair. Get a list and test it with the question “would that really be possible?” I liken this part to solving a puzzle. You have to turn the pieces around sometimes to make them fit right.
Choose a solution that works for all to try. Once you have agreement (and it may take a little tinkering to make the solution really possible), it’s time to try out the solution to see if it worked.
The last step is to follow up with a check in. Did the solution work? Is everyone OK now? Do we need to try a different solution?
This process takes practice. Over time it becomes second nature and the children will follow through on their own. Your job is to be consistent about using the process.
Consistency is really important for a child. You and your partner, other adults living in the home need to have an agreed upon plan about how you will work with issues that come up in the home. We know children will go to the adults they think they can get what they want from them. If adults are consistent, children won’t get into that habit. Sometimes families write Family Guidelines about how they want to be with each other. When children help to write these, they are more responsible to follow through.
When you are having difficulties, try using your teacher as a resource. How do they work with disagreements or turn taking? You can get all kinds of tips like using an egg timer for turns. You can decide what’s appropriate for your children.
My last word: Practice!
Practice with stuffed animals or puppets. Notice in books or on TV how they handle problem solving. Ask your children what they would do? Notice what is going on around you and your children. What would make a good opportunity to continue the conversation? You can even make up pretend situations.
This article is part of our Newsletter 2026 Issue 2. See all articles.
